Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
the noise i just made
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.