me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
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To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
IT’S-A ME,
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.