I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
smh
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I wish this was real life…
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.