@thebeckyard

Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!

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@stockejock

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@JeremyPoxon

[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave

@SortaBad

A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent

@markleggett

People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.

@Karissajem

Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Me: Yes.

@StellaRtwot

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@litfirebird

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

@ThaJawn

An air horn that looks like a febreze can so you will always know when someone shits at your house

@Asher_Wolf

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again