@thebeckyard

Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!

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@mommajessiec

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

@Curly_gurl135

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

@ChaseMit

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@Reverend_Scott

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

@VisionBored1

[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]

Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…

@Angibangie

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

@Chumpstring

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

@IamJackBoot

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.