Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!
Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!
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[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave
A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent
People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.
Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
An air horn that looks like a febreze can so you will always know when someone shits at your house
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again