ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I think my mom just blocked me
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
How does one answer this?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified