ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Every. Damn. Time.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Seals are just dog mermaids.