ME: Do ghosts wear condoms
DENTIST: How are you still awake

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“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class


I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.


When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.


*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going


Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.


Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.


First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.


him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move