@Home_Halfway

ME: Do ghosts wear condoms
DENTIST: How are you still awake

You Might Also Like

@JustinSayne722

I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@laurrlor

I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.

@meganamram

WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I’M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360

@BrettDruck

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

@EJGomez

“911? Yes I need to report an incident”

“What is it mam?”

“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”

“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”

@Contwixt

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

@d_haggar

I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.