@Home_Halfway

ME: Do ghosts wear condoms
DENTIST: How are you still awake

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@DanMentos

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

@AristotlesNZ

I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.

@jessokfine

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

@Brampersandon_

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

@krisv_723

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

@HogwartsLogics

Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.

@AristotlesNZ

First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move