I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.
ME: Do ghosts wear condoms
DENTIST: How are you still awake
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Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
WHEN DO WE STOP COUNTING BACKWARDS I’M AT LIKE NEGATIVE 42,360
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“911? Yes I need to report an incident”
“What is it mam?”
“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”
“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.