*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.