If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
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You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”
Me: “GOOGLE IT!”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2