@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

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@BuckyIsotope

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

@Bandersnaaatch

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

@velvettusk

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

@robfee

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

@Ristolable

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

@aspiringtoucan

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

@ScorpionDong

How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?

@stephenjmolloy

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

@lalastrailer

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.

@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.