@DrunksWithGuns

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

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@UGotMeRight

If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.

@Staggfilms

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

@Cpt_Burnout

Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”

Me: “GOOGLE IT!”

@Brettagher

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

@Home_Halfway

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

@Kendragarden

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

@LaraineBaker

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

@ol_boo

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

@Tmoney68

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2