Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Things will get butter, keep churning
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh