Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can