Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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Nobody can negotiate like a 4 year old told he has 2 minutes til bed.
When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”
What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
Drugs are bad…when they wear off.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
*Dad cries with joy
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.
They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd