Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*