All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Free him
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie