Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Breaking news:
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”