Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
And now we wait
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.