Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

tell em, edith-anne

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.