@ClichedOut

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

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@bush_piglet

Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.

@Brentweets

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

@JohnLyonTweets

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

@seamussaid

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

@ehdannyboy

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

@kevinseccia

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

@SardonicTart

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

@MetteAngerhofer

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

@kodeeezzzy

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO