The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Before & after 😅
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Mhm.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I have obtained a hat
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no