@ArfMeasures

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

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@mjkspeaks

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

@JPLFR80

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

@briangaar

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

@Dave_Philips

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

@SemraDurmisevic

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

@MariyaAlexander

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

@70Ceeks

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

@JillianKarger

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

@StephenKing

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.