Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Meow
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
This will never not be funny to me.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.