Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.
End of list
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Dog: (confused dog look)
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
ME: No, new please.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.