Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force