@_coryrichardson

me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens

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@girlposts

Trump: Can I get past
Biden: What’s the password
Trump: I don’t know
Biden: Losers says what
Trump: What
Obama: JOE

@UnicornSyrup

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

@ericsshadow

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

@ceejoyner

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

@BoomBoomBetty

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

@Mr_goose007

Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.

@AdamBroud

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

@BoogTweets

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

@timdonakowski

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

@HeyZeus666

I’m no different than any other bachelor.

I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.