Trump: Can I get past
Biden: What’s the password
Trump: I don’t know
Biden: Losers says what
me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing
bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh
me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens
You Might Also Like
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’m no different than any other bachelor.
I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.