dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.