ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Speak now or ever hold your peace