me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.