ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
as is their right
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”