Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
🤣😂🤣
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My time has come.
dutch is not a serious language
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.