*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
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2 years later
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there