Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

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Boss: Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company.


Me: I’ll take that promotion now.


We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”


DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken


Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”


Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?


If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.


1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby


The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.


If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.


Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?



Me: There are only 2 things to fear