Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship