Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My kitchen overserved me.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
And they lived apathetically ever after.