Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
You Might Also Like
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now