@Angibangie

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

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@jtrulez

Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum

@StcyBnsn

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

@athleisure_monk

Baby Bear: Someone’s been eating my porridge!

Mama: That’s wonderful, dear. Papa never eats Mama’s porridge anymore.

Papa: Jesus, Linda…

@roxiqt

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

@alexandraerin

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

@Bad_Ass_Trucker

Me: Did you hear that?
Her: Go check it out
Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first
Her: You’ll be alright

@eddiesteadyno

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

@sammyrhodes

Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.

@ohen39

[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now

@B1gBrainsMcGee

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35