Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it