Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

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Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum


Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”


Baby Bear: Someone’s been eating my porridge!

Mama: That’s wonderful, dear. Papa never eats Mama’s porridge anymore.

Papa: Jesus, Linda…


DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what


The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.


Me: Did you hear that?
Her: Go check it out
Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first
Her: You’ll be alright


Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself


Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.


[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now


Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35