Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
🤣😈🤣
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
how it started vs how it ended
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.