me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
What is going on? 😅
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.