me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Smile they said.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019