Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.