me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.