me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost