Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
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Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Steam Forums
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!