Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.