My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“Pa rump pum pum pum?”
“Screw it, we gotta get this out and Christmas is tomorrow”
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.