Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
😩😩😩