I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Me: *marking chart*
Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke
Look ma no friends
My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.
ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Me: Honey, are you awake?
[wife rustles] Hmmm?
Me: When we were fighting & you said “Wolverine’s powers suck,” did you really mean that
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.