@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

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@KenJennings

LOL at people who “love seafood” but won’t even eat a silverfish

@sonictyrant

Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

@simoncholland

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

@aparnapkin

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

@cali_cathy

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@Mr_Kapowski

*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh

@junejuly12

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.