@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

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@Divergentmama

I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.

@BoogTweets

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

@Mr_Kapowski

Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke

@ItsAnneMwaura

My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.

@hippieswordfish

ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

@GoodZiIIa

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

@briangaar

Me: Honey, are you awake?
[wife rustles] Hmmm?
Me: When we were fighting & you said “Wolverine’s powers suck,” did you really mean that

@AlexvanBeek

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.