LOL at people who “love seafood” but won’t even eat a silverfish
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Me: *marking chart*
Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i’m with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket
Me: i’m in
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*runs into dental hygienist in store*
Me: How are you?
Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*
Me: Not so easy huh
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.