Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat