@LackOfShame

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

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@AndyAsAdjective

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

@shadygrenade

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

@SteveSuckington

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

@ashmensch

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

@wolfpupy

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

@oxygenplug

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

@SortaBad

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

@imlaurenmcguire

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

@

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@HappyHijabbi

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?