It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
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License and registration please.
Are you drunk sir?
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?