Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.