@shadonium

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

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@solsayswhaaa

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

@sarcasticmommy4

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

@shopkins776

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

@BraandoCommando

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

@PoodleSnarf

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

@poutinesmoothie

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

@pearlykim

* wants all the family space to herself

* grabs remote; selects a musical that is at least 40 years old

(Hmmmmm they haven’t left yet)

* belts out lyrics along with musical

* dances across rug

* relaxes onto recently-vacated couch

@squirrel74wkgn

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

@meredithmo

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

@iMikosnyc

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.