Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

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I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.


My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.


Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you


Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry


Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present


I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint


Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?


* wants all the family space to herself

* grabs remote; selects a musical that is at least 40 years old

(Hmmmmm they haven’t left yet)

* belts out lyrics along with musical

* dances across rug

* relaxes onto recently-vacated couch


[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*


Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock


I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.