*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Just parrot things
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.