me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me too door. Me too.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON