Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.