If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume
When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.
COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.