me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Meow
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.