[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Mad Men promoted unrealistic fantasies of walking out in the middle of a meeting and never coming back
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”
*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die
*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone