@AndyAsAdjective

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

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@MyHairyLife

If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.

@ArfMeasures

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

@trevso_electric

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

@krisv_723

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

@goodtimenoel

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

@bad_as_you_want

My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

@Wine_Honey1

When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.