@sonictyrant

me: do you think proctologists are just failed ventriloquists?
priest: i meant questions about your wedding vows

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@TheNYAMProject

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

@Sophie2078

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

@aLunchBox

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

@TheMichaelRock

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient

@JohnLyonTweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

@SmartassChef

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

@internetluke

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing