shut up and take my money
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker