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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Rooting for the overdog
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question