Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
it was love at first sight
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
<—- homeless romantic
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.