Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
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Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.